It's been raining Elephants and Hippopotamus since last week in Lagos. Today is not a different day either. I take my seat between two big men.
One of the things you should never do during the raining season is to sit by the window of the bus. Chances are if the window has a malfunctioning slide, water will drip on you (If you didn't know this before, drop me a thank you note😏).
Our ride is smooth and cold. Everyone is minding their business and obviously trying to get warm.
The Bus Conductor is abnormally hyperactive. His hoarse voice and prancing about like a mini giant is a sight to behold. I am amused but I am too cold to really observe him well.
The bus pulls up at Coker for a passenger to alight and another one boards.
The driver's stereo is playing gospel songs. This guy must be heavenly, he definitely knows how to start the week. We pull up at Orile again and the hyperactive conductor prances to the driver's window to hand him some naira notes that he had folded horizontally.
"Guy, come! E never complete" The driver informs his conductor.
"Na everything I give you so," he shoots back.
"For two trips?" The driver asked looking dazed.
"Oga, no dey use witch disturb me this morning. I don give you all the money wey dey my hand." The conductor insists.
Don't tell me rubbish. I know maths pass you" The driver yells.
"No wonder you no understand English wey I dey blow give you."
It's drizzling. I am hoping the drama does not extend and binge on my time. If there is one intangible thing I value, it's time.
The driver is vexed. He opens the door and alights. His hands are firm on the conductor's trousers and he is yelling "Oya, give me my money."
Passengers are gradually alighting and helping to separate the conductor from his driver's grip. The driver is refusing to let go. His fingers are clasped around the young man's trousers and he is forcefully yanking it down his thighs.
Crumbled naira notes are falling from his inner shorts. The driver notices it and lands a deafening slap on his cheek.
"Ole! No be today you don dey thief my money" He seals his words with another slap.
Passersby are rushing to the scene. There is a crowd roundabout them trying to calm the situation. The conductor manages to pull away from his grip and breaks through the crowd in a fierce sprint.
"My money still dey him knicker" The plump driver wails. A group of touts race after him but we all know chasing him is a lost battle.
You lose some battles and win some.
Driver 1 Vs Conductor 1
English 1 Vs Maths 1